a pandemic

every day changes, while somehow, not changing at all. i've been wondering how to address this time on here- how to document this season, while also being so overwhelmed with what is happening; i want to try and share the last 6 weeks somehow. the truth is i'm not sure i've ever processed this much information about a single changing topic. 

there is a pandemic. obviously. the world knows because the world is fully impacted. the world will always know, and is bound to know more than i do right now since this is in real time. to date, ELEVEN THOUSAND PEOPLE IN NYC (CITY ALONE) have died. 11,267 to be exact.

it started with word from china months ago about a sickness that was spreading. it seemed far away. 

we went to dc in january, and it wasn't remotely on my mind. 

we went to utah in february, and it was more-so on my mind. i was extra vigilant about clorox-wiping all the airplane surfaces, and sanitizing extra back then. it still seemed like it would stop before it was anything any of us really had to worry about.

rumors started circulating- after all, we live in new york city. if a virus were to consume a place, new york city would be that place. would school be cancelled for the week? 

then there was word about italy. poor italy. 
all of the sudden a wave of sickness hit. a tsunami. it was insane! italy?? how random. we were going to switzerland in a month- good thing we chose to add france to our itinerary instead of lake como like i had wanted back in june when i started planning the logistics of this dream trip. it had a month to resolve itself before we had to really worry.

life went on like normal- but, like, heightened. i went to trader joe's an extra time or two that week as february wrapped up.

it was a sunday when the first case of coronavirus was announced in new york city. march 1st. i read this on west side rag. 

monday i went to trader joe's like usual after dropping off the big kids at school. i waited in line 40 minutes- crazy! i made a couple extra grocery runs that first week of march- just in case. good thing we didn't need pasta or canned goods, because nyc was freaking out (there was none).

that friday we went to a special opening of the edge - i'd taken photos for them and they were opening a few days later- it snowed on the roof that night. i felt really uncomfortable on the subway - we were paranoid to not let the kids touch anything. 

monday, march 9th, mike found out 2 people at his madison office had coronavirus. the weather was supposed to be 70, and a few friends and i texted about doing a west village run after school to enjoy the first really nice day. at the last minute we decided to change it to central park because i was uncomfortable riding the subway at rush hour with the kids. it was such a beautiful afternoon filled with kids and scooters and sunshine and parks and the carousel.

that friday night elle went to her last friend birthday party- they moved it outside to their courtyard because people were starting to worry about people in close spaces. but the mom was a pediatrician, and she promised no one would do anything without sanitizing, so we went with it.

wednesday the 11th, mike & i went to a dashboard confessional concert. the days leading up to it i tried to sell the tickets (i bought them when we were in greece in september)- i'd been SO looking forward to this for months, but was it safe? the morning of we decided to go and just play it by ear- we had a sitter lined up already, and the money for the tickets was already spent. we showed up just before dashboard went on stage, and avoided people (crowds were lower than i expected); we didn't touch anything, and had the best time. the venue was incredibly conscious, and had sanitizer everywhere, and people for the most part were respecting distance (as much as you can, really). as i stood and screamed my heart out, the girl in front of me spent massive amounts of time on her phone- i read her screen. first "trump bans travel to/from europe for 30 days." my heart SANK.  i was shocked.  a few minutes later, "tom hanks tests positive for coronavirus." SERIOUSLY? it seemed like things were literally falling apart in a matter of minutes. on the subway home we held on to each other instead of a pole, and talked about what the hell was happening in the world. 
that was the night i realized nothing would be the same.

the next morning i called and started the process of cancelling our switzerland trip. i waited on hold for hours, and spent the next weeks sobbing to a computer screen as i desperately attempted to get refunds on what felt like a hundred non-refundable booking details.

by that saturday "social distancing" was a thing. we went on a walk - 6 ft. from others - through central park, around the reservoir, past the now-closed met and guggenheim (the city just decided to shut down broadway and all of the museums). it felt weird. new yorkers don't naturally give anyone space.

between saturday & sunday, things went from "distancing" to "stay home."

sunday the 15th was the first day we self-quarantined. that night, schools were closed through 4/20 (the day we were supposed to return following spring break. ALSO, THE 20TH!?!?!? SO FAR AWAY). i started to feel like i was coming down with a cold. mike's chest had been heavy for a couple days, but he thought it was just from work and being stressed. 

st. patrick's day came with very little green decor. we did dye the milk though. 

those days i felt terrible. my body ACHED. i took as much tylenol as i could, and lots of hot showers. i checked my temperature- i didn't feel overly-hot. i didn't develop a cough. i was so lightheaded and sore. the strangest thing was i realized i had no sense of taste or smell- NOTHING. within a few more days i heard that losing your sense of taste and smell was a sign of covid-19. there was no testing being done unless you were incredibly ill. we were never tested, but if i were a betting woman, i would have bet we had covid. i'm grateful it was relatively mild. particularly since the news of just how bad it could be, close to home, was spreading. mike was working from home at this point.

we started to get groceries delivered- it was a tough task. it was expensive. it was hard to get a slot- they were rare. it was hard to find what we needed. there were limits. toilet paper was only in anyone's dreams. cleaning products, too. soon yeast & flour also became luxuries. (clorox is still a luxury - it's gone.)

sweats became the norm. we tried to say "yes" to everything our kids wanted to do, even the super annoying things like making constant forts and eating cookies for breakfast.

the 31st i woke up to the sound of birds through the open windows. in 4 years waking up here, that's never happened.

new york city started clapping every night at 7:00 for those who kept the city running- the essential workers. it became the highlight of quarantine.

5 people in 600 square feet isn't ideal. but it's tolerable. it's fine, overall. the kids are surprisingly ok- better than the adults. 

remote learning and mike working from home has been tough in a single room. and that's putting it mildly.

spring break was cancelled. and then school for the rest of the academic year was cancelled. (and to think the 20th seemed like a lot.)

easter sunday i cried more than normal- thinking of the easter plans i'd made in switzerland. when would we ever be able to travel again??

the hardest part was my own envy. i found myself in those first 5 weeks (where we stayed home other than 4 trips outside between mike & me, total. the kids were inside 100%) jealous of the friends who weren't taking it as seriously as we are, and who are out enjoying central park in the spring. we missed the blossoms. the park becoming fluffy and green again. they brag "the city is so peaceful!" and i want to scream back, "BECAUSE EVERYONE IS INSIDE, STAYING HOME LIKE WE WERE ASKED TO DO!" we stayed inside our tiny space to curb the spread for the healthcare workers. cheering on the sanitation workers, and grocery store stockers, and the mail deliverers. 

after 5 weeks inside, it became mandatory to wear masks outside. 5 weeks from our last saturday out as a family we decided we would start making baby steps to re-emerge into society. our first trip out was traumatic. it was cold that saturday. rainy. the only people we passed looked like they were out of a horror movie- never seeing faces is terribly unnerving. we went to get cupcakes- ordered on the app. we showed up and called the number in the window. a man emerged from the dark (all the lights were off), and unlocked the door. he passed our bag to us via a metal divider, next to a gallon jug of sanitizer, then closed and locked the door promptly, disappearing back into the darkness. we grabbed shake shack on the way home. ordered that through an open store window. it's unnatural. the hardest part of that afternoon was turning a corner and hearing generators- generators for the hospital- double-wide trailers and white tents. morgues. for all the dead. parked in the streets. just right there in the streets. jude sobbed- "i don't want the people to die!"
we got home and the kids announced, "i'm never leaving home again."

home is safe. home is sanity. home is also insanity.

i have so much more i want to share, but for now, this will have to do. 

xx

*photos a couple weeks ago taken in greece via webcam by my incredible photographer friend, kimon.