18 years...

Today our marriage is an adult. An 18-year-old, full-fledged, legal, adulty entity. 

If you froze time right now, our marriage would be an image made of millions of tiny memory megapixels you’d never see unless you zoom waay in- past the collective years > months > days > hours > minutes. Tiny little memories accumulated to make big pictures. 

Mike’s words of wisdom this week: “Give anyone enough time, and they’ll annoy you.” No one goes into a relationship knowing what it’ll present, and certainly everyone thinks they’re entirely capable of creating a totally successful, happy life because they’ve seen it happen from the periphery. But marriage is made up of two wildly imperfect people, moving through time and space trying to find equilibrium, balancing themselves, hopefully being privileged enough to do it alongside another person who also wants to do their work alongside you. It’s not only a tall order, it’s also an evolving commitment. We all change- we SHOULD change- but constantly asking the person you once chose to make that journey with you to continue to travel beside a person changed X times over is another level of understanding, patience, and love. 50/50 usually looks like 30/70, 80/20, 10/90… balance is hardly even. 

The real beauty today, in this exact moment, is although we’ve come farther & have had even more amazing memories than we did last year at this time, we’ve also been through more guttural lows than I ever anticipated. We’ve fought for individual growth, relied on our co-dependency, and are trying to competently raise 3 mimicking, confusing, helpless, opinionated humans with no one but each other as we hustle. We are it. And *it’s really damn hard* to put it mildly. Mike has given me time and space and love and patience when I haven’t deserved it. He’s held me through my darkest times, absorbed my pain, and stayed close to keep me safe in every way he can. 

This year we’ve somehow managed to find our own ways to choose each other specifically again and again and again- we grew into adults together, and also created one in the form of an 18-year-old marriage. 

I love you forever, Mikal Petersen.

17 years...

Today, we’ve been married for 17 years. 

We’ve fought hard, played hard, and loved hard each one of those 17 years— 17 years made up of 365 days, 24 hours at a time. 17 years of a life I’m proud to have worked so hard to create. Relieved we held on when we almost didn’t because there’s no one who could have been a better companion than Mike. 

17 years ago I signed up for an assumed partnernership without realizing just how valuable a partner Mike would be. He’s never expected more of me than my 50%, although he’s managed to give me more than his half most of the time. He’s been by my side to encourage, love, push, and trust in just the ways I needed to help me feel home. 

Mike, you’re like no one I’ve ever known, or anyone I’ll ever meet. You’ll always be the best decision I’ll ever make. Thanks, neighbor. xxx

happy 16th anniversary, Us

16 years as Us. I remember when Us was new & shiny- back when we celebrated the days, then weeks, then months of Us. Life went from Me (1) to Us (2) to Them (3+), and the middle/parenthood (Them) phase lived in all the stereotypes of expectation I knew— it’s the selfless part of life where you raise humans and give up yourself. Theoretical fairytales and vinyl & wood tiles over the entry door reminding constantly of the familial unit: “Together Forever.” Us takes a backseat to Them. The intention and purpose of life shifts and flows confusingly between life chapters, but the magical Us feels foreign too often when we are Them.

The middle. Not the first pages, or the last, but the long, meaty part where you get distracted, or bored, or lose interest in the repetitive pages. Sometimes you give up, or realize the book you started however-long-ago isn’t your thing, but, you’re invested enough, so you keep turning pages. These characters are unstable and immature; entirely lame and predictable. I’m bored. I expected more...

One day it hit me- this book is about us, BY US. I never saw this coming- the plot twists or the terrible grammar. The hilarious pages I dog-eared for future reference, or the ones that were worthy of forgetting and might as well be ripped out. The spine is worn, and the characters get on my nerves, but I mean, I’m still here. He’s still here. And dude’s pretty hot. And funny. And he has these extra awesome qualities that were developed somewhere in those long chapters I never even saw coming! We can change!!! We’re still invested in Us even though the fine print was missed or overlooked or disregarded back on 06/30/05 because, who reads contracts anyway (we were way too young, poor, and stupid to read the fine print).

Turns out, we drive each other insane, but I know his insane and he knows mine. It’s been 16 years today, and I’m so happy to be here with you. Happy 16th to Us.

*photos by the family lab

15 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

15 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's a lot of exclamation points, for a lot of years. 

love isn’t what i thought it was when we got married 15 years ago. our life doesn’t look like i would’ve guessed on our wedding day 15 years ago. last night we walked at dusk in the pouring rain through the west village, our 3 kids sprinting in front of us temporarily laughing instead of fighting, and we had 7 whole seconds to hold hands and laugh and look at just how far we’ve come. it’s not where we planned to be, and i know you would’ve rather been on the couch scrolling tiktok, but instead, you came with me because you knew it’s what i really wanted to do. it’s been A RIDE, mikal petersen- super high highs, and lonely lows that have nearly taken us out, but it’s all been better than i would have imagined anyway. i’m so proud of where we are. thank you for growing up and making a life with me. happy 15th anniversary!

“I don't know who we'll become

I can't promise it's not written in the stars

But I believe that when it's done

We're gonna see that it was better

That we grew up together

“Tell me you don't wanna leave

'Cause if change is what you need

You can change right next to me

When you're high, I'll take the lows

You can ebb and I can flow

We'll take it slow

And grow as we go”

(thank you, ben platt)

happy 14th birthday, marriage!

“marriage can’t simply be about living your best lives in sync. because some of the peak moments of a marriage are when you share in your anxieties, your fears, your longing, and even your horrors. that commitment, the one that can withstand and even revel in the darkest corridors of a life, grows and evolves and eventually transcends a contract or a ceremony the way an ocean overflows and subsumes a thimble of water... by unearthing our most discouraged moments together without turning away, by screeching at the moon side by side, admitting ‘this is all our fault,’ we don’t just reaffirm our love, we reaffirm our shared and separate ability to face the unknown from this point forward. that’s why sickness and death are key to marriage vows. because there is nothing more divine than being able to say, out loud, ‘today, I am really, truly at my worst,’ knowing that it won’t make your spouse run for the hills. my husband has seen my worst before. we both know that our worst is likely to get worse from here. somehow that feels like grace.” 
(from thecut.com, “marriage: an investigation”)

---

another year has passed, and although the years blur together in a million ways, they seem to contrast sharply in terms of phases. places. feelings. also in terms of the number of humans that now makes up "the petersens." 

the song that's currently on repeat, here.

and with that, thanks ben platt, and thank you, mikal petersen, for being by my side the last 14 years, because sometimes, it's been ROUGH. marriage is everything everyone says, and nothing all at the same time. we've fought almost everyday, but there's no one else i'd rather fight through the deep sh*t with than you. love you, neighbor.

photos from this winter near our apartment, shot on my camera by sam looney.

our 13th anniversary, and the rest of our family pictures on the roof...

today is our 13th anniversary.

we're currently away- taking a much-needed family vacation. i wish we were alone as a couple, but i have a still-nursing baby, and logistically it just made no sense to arrange for childcare while mike & i ran away. so we all came together. to the beachy place we love, that is a perfect break from the home we adore in the city that makes our family feel alive:)

i can't believe this is what our life looks like 13 years after those young, dumb, clueless kids got married. we're in a good place- such a better place than we've been in years past. we've learned a lot, and i know better than to try and imagine what the future entails, but i'm grateful. after so long, mike's the only one i need & want by my side. we watched some cheesy netflix movie a few days ago and they said, "you like because, and you love despite." 

amen.

so happy for the guy who agreed to marry me, and the life we've been able to hold together for the last 13+ years. 

happy 13th anni, baby.

photos, once again, by the incredible megan morgan.