on the rooftop at 30 weeks and prenatal depression.

 a few things.

it's been a while. 

i finally got the energy to pull out my camera for an hour the other night after dinner. i put on clothes (sort of). the foggy, rainy day was clearing as the sun started to set, and since the days on our rooftop are almost at a close, i knew i would regret it if we didn't go out for a bit. i planned on lots more parties and play dates on that roof before our move, but the frigid march temps and constant snow/rain made those plans impossible. a friend took jude and i to lunch (VIA CAR) IN NEW JERSEY (!!!!!!!), which totally boosted my spirits. not only was it lunch, it was cheesecake factory. cheeeeesecake factory!!!! chain restaurants aren't commonly accessible in nyc, and cheesecake factory is no exception. (sometimes you just need some linda's fudge cake.) i ordered a 2 pieces of cake to-go as a way to motivate myself to get on the roof after dinner and enjoy the night as a family. also, only 3 plates, 2 forks, and 1 spoon were clean so we improvised;) 

our rooftop has been a place of overwhelming peace and comfort for the last 12 months. from the moment i stepped onto it last st. patrick's day, just me and a broker, i felt fresh air. the chaos and noise of the busy street below sound like angels singing to me. the lights in the night. the sunsets. the air when it gets dark. morning workouts and sipping cocoa. the hammock. buckets of tears when my heart ached and mind raced. so many emotions have been calmed on that roof. it's been a backup plan and an escape. that rooftop was such a literal symbol of where we'd come- the fact that we made it to the city that we fought so hard to get into! as much as i hate to say goodbye, it's best for us to change apartments. we'll still have access to another part of the rooftop to some extent, but it won't be in the form of our own little spiral staircase. and as much as i love it, we didn't use it NEARLY as much as we should have:) #nycweathersucks

other than random bathroom mirror selfies in my underwear, i have little evidence of this pregnancy. pants and gravity are not my friends. it's cold, so dresses aren't my friend either. basically, i'm half naked 90% of my days. i've decided that for all the years i was anti-leggings, they'll be the only form of pantage for the next 10 weeks, and that's just going to have to work. i'm almost 31 weeks now, so it was time to document at least part of this pregnancy.

lastly, let's talk for a minute about pregnancy & depression. i mentioned this on instagram, but the pregnancy struggle for me is real. it's been real each pregnancy, but this one has taken the cake. i found this article about prenatal depression and it made me feel SO much better (there's also this on wikipedia, which i read a dozen times to make myself feel better). i'm no stranger to anxiety and depression, but whilst pregnant this all was exponentially worse. my biggest struggles are multiplied, highlighted, and unavoidable. medication isn't an option, and my OB was as helpful as a rock, so this pregnancy i'm playing the countdown game until i can get back to a normal routine. i never want to mistake these issues with a lack of love or generosity on the part of others- i feel so immensely grateful for a husband who thankfully knows i'll be his wife again soon, and for friends and others who are constantly offering a helping hand. the issue is largely mental, and i know it will pass, i just feel like it's important to share that it's not all shiny hair, glowing skin, and a beautiful baby bump- at least for me. a friend commented on my post that "delivery" is called delivery for a reason. 

truer words may never have been spoken:)

(our first days in nyc here.)

36 weeks.

i'm officially killing time. friday i decided to be more productive than i've been in weeks (months?), and spent the day getting an oil change, vacuuming out the car, grocery shopping, vacuuming the house, doing laundry, organizing the closet for the umpteenth time, sitting on the floor and making valentines w/ elle, and... what was the last thing? oh yah, almost dying for the remainder of the night. no seriously, what was i thinking? i spent the night crying (which, now that i think of it, happens anyway everyday for some reason or another). and writhing in pain. pah! that was too much. too much! 

i'm no spring chicken. 

today i put on shoes 5 separate times ("I CAN DO IT MYSELF!"), and consequently spent 5 hours having contractions. apparently it's time to, like, cool it. 

"cooling it" means spending the day doing basic functions (eating, breathing, turning on cartoons for small child), and hanging on for just a few more weeks. THIS BODY IS TIRED! and stuffed. oh, stuffed stuffed stuffed. 

soon? posts about a new baby and post-pardom goodness, rather than moans of a super-swollen pregnant lady:) 

our baby boy is coming! eek! boy... boy!

33 weeks.

i realize i haven't done much other than repeat how hard this pregnancy has been. naturally, i'm a "glass half empty" kind of person...  but now, hormonal to boot! i'm a dream:) if you've been anywhere near me, you've heard my woes. sorry about that:) it's all pathetically reminiscent of my whining days pregnant with elle... and now, i look back and get sick of reading all about it! the truth is that, yes, this has been a really long 8 months so far, but i am so incredibly thankful for this little boy!

although grateful to not be on bed-rest, this time around i have the same lack of energy and desire (x10), except i have to chase a feisty toddler around:) i thought it would be awesome to be pregnant through the winter, but it has been really tough! i miss fall. or spring. it's been so cold and so snowy that unless i'm going to work, we are inside the house. trying to avoid being turned into popcicles, or getting sick...

...except that last week elle & i caught some nasty bug- i thought it was a cold, but it's superhuman and like no cold i have ever experienced. ever. a cold it is not! things got progressively worse for 8 days before they turned back around (slowly) for the better. a whole bunch of antibiotics later and we're on the mend. now i feel like i have "just" a bad cold/flu. add pregnancy to the mix, and i was/am down and out. i'm on day 10 and praying it's gone soon! oh, how i miss cold medicine!

i made it through most all of my pregnancy with elle being able to sleep- this time? not so much. if it's not hiccups 4 times a night, it's tumbling and kicking my kidneys. i'm praying nights awake will not be a pattern that shall continue post-birth:) sleepless nights are also due to constant trips to the bathroom.
or my mind just thinking thoughts like, 'wow! you should really be sleeping right now!'
or it could also be the snowplows outside at 5am.
or this sickness...
or elle coming into our room, ready for the day at 5:30am....
sleep!! oh sleep!

my belly is currently the same size as it was when i delivered elle. rats. nothing like feeling gigantic to boost one's already fragile temperament, eh!? my clothes are pathetically tight and short (even the maternity ones which i've really avoided this time around)- my pants hardly stay up, and my i can feel cold air under my belly. do you know what i mean? when you're so round you realize gravity isn't working in your favor- clothes don't usually go over, around, and back under. so attractive! working out is only a dream, and i miss it desperately!

some good news is that the problems with my sciatic haven't gotten worse. which is what they were expected to do. i haven't collapsed in a good... 3 weeks? that's a huge improvement!!! it is funny how i start to panic, wondering if i'll ever have a normal body again. or walk again. or see my toes...will i!? someone tell me i will... i think i will...?

baby boy is sitting just like elle was, only higher up- one leg pushing so hard on my right side that i have been able to grab his little foot through my skin. he's so active. so active! if i stand more than 5 minutes, i feel like he will fall out of me. although i am fairly sure that can't happen (so says my male doctor. but i swear i beg to differ on certain days. men. so silly!)

all that being said, i am trying to remember that i may never get this chance again. i have 33 weeks under my belt... and within 7 more (or 6, or 5!), i should get to meet this little man! i am so excited. i am also nervous and terrified and worried. and most other words that are pretty synonymous with "nervous and terrified and worried." all of it- making it to the actual birthing process without losing sanity. labor. a fragile little newborn. don't get me started on nursing vs. formula. kid #1 attempting to smother kid #2. being able to handle being a new mom again...? oh, dear! i guess i just keep going, right? because that's what you do? so i'll keep going! here's to the next few months and all that is in store:)

all over the place, dudes.

my mind... it's all over the place. let's have a chat on randomness, shall we? today we'll discuss pregnancy, blogging, and see what a random fall morning involves when you live in less than 900 sq. ft...

"you're just not one of those women... who was meant to be pregnant."

normally, i would assume a wife would punch her husband in the face when he randomly blurts that out... except... i couldn't agree more. i actually nodded and smiled, "true."
bless his soul, mike is a patient man. pregnancy does not suit me well. i am literally, a crazy person.
my pregnancy w/ elle was tough- lots of bedrest, lots of sickness, and lots of fear. this pregnancy? this little boy? yah, he's kicking my butt. literally. pregnancy doesn't happen easily for us, and i'm about certain that two kids will be the perfect number! i'm so thankful to have the chance to be a mom- to be able to grow a little person in my insides- i am! but it is hard stuff. i heard too many people say that boys were easier to carry, but he's sure proving that theory wrong! i'm finally passing the constantly-wanting-to-puke phase (now that it's been 6 months)... but my entire body is in turmoil. he's settled on my sciatic nerve, and most days i can hardly move. i get stuck all the time- i can't get off the toilet, i can't reach my feet, i can't stand for more than 84 seconds, and i walk like a little old lady. add in the forgotten quirks like nose bleeds, constant intestinal battles, legs that twitch all evening, a belly and belly button that are already stretched to (what seems like it should be their) maximum capacity, a massive aversion to water, and have i mentioned the hormones? oh, people. the hormones. the funny thing is that as negative as that all sounds, i do go back and forth between depression, horror, fear, and pure gratitude that another baby is coming our way. that my crazy girl is getting a brother. she's elated. our family will welcome someone who will be completely new and refreshing! but woah. pregnancy and me. wow. oh, and i'm also kind of terrified of those all-nighters, sleeplessness, diapers (and a diaper bag again? oy!), and the demands that come along with a cute, squishy, ball of cuteness... eek!

oh, snap

i need to catch up on that blog over there... in the mean time, there are some cute new family photos posted. speaking of blogging, have you visited butter lately? just in case you've forgotten, thanskgiving is the day after tomorrow. and you should make this stuffing. because it's the best. and it's my favorite memory of thanksgiving from childhood:)

(a whole lotta pictures) around the house these days
i've grown to love this age- even though 3 has been tough, tough, tough, elle requires no special food, she climbs into/out of her own car seat, she is potty trained, she shops with me, and bribery works a large portion of the time. our lives are changing again. and i have moments when i wonder just how different things will be? i like to freeze moments in our tiny house. in our pj's (actually, go ahead, count! 3 clothing changes & 3 different hairstyles for that little lady in the 15 minutes i was holding my camera:). i'm savoring these last few months of being just us + a bump...
(p.s. - mike made elle that stellar playhouse the other day. man, he's good. and man, he makes me look bad.)