(weighty) thoughts to close out 2016...

 

i tend to over-exaggerate situations, and mike under-exaggerates. frankly, i'm not a fan of either method, buuuuut i have a couple mostly unrelated & heavy thought-filled posts that have been sitting in my inbox for a while now. i never shared them for fear of coming across as negative and/or ungrateful and/or depressing; i do realize this blog is public and i've said this all on many occasions (see here), so i tend to tread lightly when it comes to heavy topics these days.  this is going to be long. and blunt. sprinkled with some photos from an old co-worker who visited our apartment with his camera one afternoon in november to prettify the heavy load:)

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chapter 1
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baby #3 is headed his/her way the first week of june. this pregnancy was a surprise (very much unlike with elle and jude). i'm grateful for the chance to have another baby, but this pregnancy has been HARD. difficult in every single sense. i was so sick, and emotionally, it wrecked me. i went from playing everyday in a city i adore, to quitting my job in dc, elle starting 1st grade, fall beginning, and immediately being slammed into a brick wall. physically, i could hardly move. i couldn't walk without nearly passing out. i couldn't ride in taxis or on the subway because of the motion. i couldn't get groceries (grocery shopping here is a full-blown workout). i barely got elle to/from school in one piece. i couldn't take care of my kids. the only solace i received was the reassurance that this is it- this would be my last time to carry a baby, and then our family would be complete. there has been much less excitement on my end, and much more overwhelming fear- how we will survive here with a baby both physically and financially is a concept that still brings me to tears. the reality that i wasn't going back to work full-time anytime soon set in, and that was harrrrrrrd for me. i've worked and balanced being a mom for longer than i've been a mom, and i'm fairly sure being a full-time mom isn't an ideal setting for amanda. but it's what needs to happen for now. so, like the rest of what i'm processing, i'm figuring it out as best i can.

i woke up in the middle of the night early in october and i had an instant realization that i was pregnant (insert overwhelming nausea). my mind raced back to a time in 2009 when i felt the same way- FEELING pregnant (then i didn't know), but bleeding. this time i was aware of exactly what was happening. i crawled back in bed and shook mike, "i know this doesn't seem possible, but i'm almost certain i'm pregnant." he jumped out of bed and ran to cvs before the sun came up. instantly it read positive. within an hour of being dead asleep and unaware, i found myself sobbing on the floor of my bathroom with a positive pregnancy test in-hand.

i spent everyday for the next unmentionalble weeks/months crying. they were filled with the aforementioned sickness, feeding my kids nothing but cereal, and my apartment being a complete disaster. there was also the fear that there was a problem with the baby since i was still bleeding. i left the apartment only when necessary, struggled through 2 bouts of pink eye, a few terrible colds, and a slew of doctor bills totaling $8000 for my first routine obgyn appointment alone. a hurricane and horrendous morning sickness left me to cancel a long-awaited girls trip to bermuda. there was also the news that my grandpa was dying. and a funeral. then there were a few weeks of the flu. fall passed, and then winter came.

the hardest symptoms next to the nausea and dizziness and exhaustion and food aversions are smells. the smell of everything- especially fabric- dropped me. (with elle i could smell plastic a mile away. with jude, it was water. it sounds silly, but it's awful.) in addition, the feel of human touch made me cringe. it made my skin crawl.

pregnancy highlights my insecurities, weaknesses, and struggles- physically and mentally. i admire and am viciously jealous of women who glow and embrace and love their bodies. losing control of my body is immensely difficult for me. it's always been a struggle, but never as hard as this time around.

and there you have it! not the vision you usually hear, but the reality of the last few months. and it's getting better as this thankfully healthy baby grows bigger. and the best part is that my kids took the news better than any humans on the planet- they're beyond thrilled. they understand and are so excited it completely humbles me. and we're getting close to the halfway mark!

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chapter 2
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mike and i are completely different people than we were 2 years ago- in a good way. (but i'll leave him out of this.) i feel like there's still such a sense of purpose that i'm finding as a person- not just as a mom or wife, but as amanda. i feel like the move to this city has been such an easy transition as a family- so easy. it's home. people ask all the time, but it's true. it was home before we lived here. the honeymoon phase has worn off and the reality of finances and lifestyle and being a family of 4.5 in this crazy city is staring us square in the face. absolute terror aside, i've never felt so sure we are right where we need to be. i've been overwhelmed with appreciation for the differences in people here. the awareness of diversity, and the humanity that exists where change is the lifeblood of the community. it brings me to tears to see my kids completely unaware of people who are different than themselves in every way imaginable.

my #1 wish as a mother has always been to raise kids that are good, kind people. this year i've realized i want to add respectful to that short list. i want them to value and understand that diversity and individuality are what make us us. i realize that just being "good" in a stepford wives sense isn't the kind of "good" i imagined. i want them to be individuals who are the best they can be in their own sense- not in comparison to anyone but themselves. i want them to love and be kind and to respect.

there is grey- not just black and white- which has proven to be one of my biggest challenges as i've come to know myself these past couple of years- it's been a huge struggle for me- my mind is a black and white land, but i'm starting to see grey, and i feel like it's making me a stronger person and a better spouse and mother. grey means there is space for awareness and processing. space to change- because we all do. space to adapt and adjust.  

all i felt was missing in my life i feel like i've found here in nyc, but i'm also left acutely aware of what we left behind- things that were chosen, and things that time has taken away from us (as time tends to do). i feel so much older. i also feel so much less wise. sometimes i get queasy when i even think of the person i was when i was in my early 20's. i wonder how i was so unaware. how i was so ignorant and so selfish.

i've never been political- i really detest confrontation and contention, and politics isn't devoid of either, but this past few months i feel like my eyes have been dramatically opened. leaving our old life was pivotal in comforting my tired soul- a lot of that is due to politics- both literal and metaphorical. about a week ago my emotions came to a head when an announcement was made that i whole-heartedly disagree with, and it brought me to tears out of disappointment. i was/am hurt that such a decision could even be made, and that there are SO MANY people defending that decision. i have always been very uncomfortable when religious and political lines blur, but this decision crossed that line in a way i feel in my soul is vehemently wrong. the defense of the decision is shocking to me. the lack of awareness as to why this is concerning flabbergasts me. the reasons the decision is being defended is (in my opinion) both offensive and hypocritical.

in all of this- this decision, the reflection of changes over the past 2 years- i've realized just how much i have changed.

i have no idea where or when the long-sought answers will come, and i desperately want to cling to the principles i believe with my heart are true, but at least i feel surrounded by people and experiences and things that are going to help me through this learning process i'm facing at this very time. i'm not alone. that's also why i'm even sharing this. words and tears of friends who are also struggling with matters of the heart have come as lifesavers, and are comforting to my soul. we talk about struggles and how to become better- not just about how we should be better for others, but how we need to be better for ourselves. 

i'm grateful for a husband who is in this with me entirely. i'm so happy to have him by my side as we've trudged through this adventure- one that bares little resemblance to our twitter-pated college selves in 2004, but one that feels deep and real and ugly and beautiful all at the same time.  

somehow in one of the most challenging places i am finding peace and comfort in the fight. it seems to always be worth the fight.

see you soon, 2017!

photos by cody bell.

tickticktickticktick............

it's been a few weeks of thinking. thinking and stewing and stressing. nothing bad, thankfully, just the direction of our lives as determined by the choices we make in the coming months. because stewing reminds me of cooking, and i've been a crappy cook for a while now, i'll use another metaphor. 

i realized last night it's like that "tick tick tick ticktickticktick..." you get as you climb a rollercoaster. i'm not a rollercoaster fan, so the only thing i can emotionally compare it too is the barnstormer at disney (you know the little kid coaster that lasts all of 30 seconds? that one. same theory though). that "tickticktick" is the winding up just before the rapid decent and subsequent ride you have no control over. i mean, sure, it's super exhilarating once you're locked into your decision, but also super nerve-wracking while you listen to that daunting "tickticktickticktick!!!!!!" getting faster and faster. 

in this case i can't see how high the climb is from my seat on said coaster, nor have i ridden this particular ride before so i'm not sure how long this will last; i'm also not entirely sure when the tick will stop ticking, momentarily pausing at the top long enough to open my eyes and utter, "oh, this is pretty!" then, "crap, what was i thinking!?!? TOO HIGH! TOO HIGH!!!" 

all of this is immediately followed by screaming (and/or other emotions, based on an individual's thrill preference), as one plummets downward for an unknown period of time, riding along until eventually this portion of one's theme park experience we call life comes to a complete stop. 

the whole theme park comparison to life- i feel like this is a solid analogy for which i could expound quite a bit. but for now, i'll leave it at that.    ticktick.

a few new things of mediocre noteworthiness...

 for a few things in no apparent order:

1) it's november!

2) new blog layout! it's about time. the photo blog got a matching facelift. ahhh, it's nice to feel change. i craaaave change!

3) elle has once again passed a stage where i feel like she's aged years in just a few days/weeks months. i don't understand it. i also feel old. i'm in my final weeks as a twenty-something, and i feel like this is quite a hard pill to swallow! i'm aging. and my kids are too.     someone help me!!

4) mike's grandma passed away a few weeks ago and her funeral fell on the most beautiful fall day. the sunshine and cool air just made me smile- his sweet grandma would have loved it. also, those boys of mine are really cute.

5)  so, it was apparently just halloween. more to come on said holiday, but in the mean time, that picture ^^ makes me laugh. jude destroyed his spider costume before we even left the house for party 1 of 5. i reinforced it the next day and we've been in business ever since. elle was also multi-purposing this year as both anna & a witch. 

6-9ish) someday i'll miss those dark, early morning hours that start with little people rising at 6am. jude pounds on the wall, waiting impatiently and demanding a bottle. he still doesn't speak much, but is potty trained, so who cares about the speaking, really. (maybe that should be #7? i mean, i'm stoked about that. potty trained!!!) elle realizes there's morning commotion and enters, demanding cereal. jude also demands his spot by me in bed. no one can take that spot or it's trouble. also noteworthy (#8) is jude's hair. i want you to know that i deliberately leave it like that daily. you can't make this stuff up, people! it makes my heart so happy to see that hair. oh, and let's throw in #9 while we're at: fall (also tied to #1 i suppose). we kicked on our heat for the first time a couple days ago when the house hit 62. 62 is cold enough. i swear when the heat kicks on for the first time, the scent of christmas candles and thanksgiving dinner and pine trees come through the vents as well. how does that happen!? magic, that's all there is to it.      welcome to the year, november.

because i think this is what life now consists of...

... random moments. not really events per say, because i never manage to take more than 4 photos at a single time with my camera. lugging a 14 lb. baby in addition to his 14 lb. car seat & elle & a bag & myself means the camera is, well, not with my cargo.

so here's another post of randoms. just in case you were wondering.

^^ elle makes me braid her hair each night before bed "just like the little girls do to rapunzel in the market!" each morning when the braids come out she measures it to see how she's doing. hey, she even volunteered to let me slide down from our balcony soon when it's long enough. so generous, that child;)

^^ elle planted a bean (bean? not sure) at preschool a few weeks ago, and watches it 1,409 times a day to see if it's grown. i told her it'll take some time (more than a day or two), and she asked if she could bring it to her wedding. "miss charity [her preschool teacher] will be so proud of me when i show her after my wedding is all done!"

^^ has anyone been to jdawgs? i went with my coworkers in provo after some serious fun work for byu women's conference. ever since? i'm still craving those darn dawgs.

^^ hey, jude! (na na na na na na na na...) just because i can't get enough of that boy. couldn't you just eat that face? nom nom nom.

^^ have i mentioned before? not sure... this boy? yah, forget peeing on us. he poops on us. he's peed on us, maybe once? twice? nothing maj. poop? i cannot count the times. literally. daily. jet-propelled poop. liquified, disgusting, nasty, wet poop that soaks through and stains everything. (are you still reading?) our bedding needs washed twice a week. as does his car seat. i've nearly-concluded i should do cloth diapers just because i'm covered in poop anyway all the time. he's just so darn cute though. and proud of his talent. anyway, this is his giddiness post-poopage.

i just like his superhero pose. and tongue. he always has that tongue out, that kid.

this week>>>

^^ Currently I'm trying to soak up my rapidly-growing chunk of a boy (he's over 8 lbs. now! What?!), feeding that babe, feeding other babes, working, trying to run errands (shopping carts are not meant for a carseat + toddler + groceries), cleaning & re-cleaning & re-cleaning, and planning a move (yes, moving). Who needs sleep anyway? Oh wait, I do. 

Maybe later.

Also note Elle as she headed to "crazy sock day" at preschool (sock-in-hair included).

The last few days Jude has been spending lots more time awake... & it seems to be a never-ending race to multi-task, and make sure he's being loved enough. Elle too. I'm not sure I'm succeeding. 

I am, however, finding some strange delight in spending hours a night staring at this baby in the dark. And that being the only time to have conversations with Mike (although they make very little sense most of the time). Yes, I desperately miss sleep, but if I'm not sleeping, I guess I'm ok with those alternatives:)

This balance thing is so not for beginners... and a beginner I am! I have no idea what I'm doing.

Oh, but holy Hannah, the weather has been perfection. 65? Yes, please.

How many calories are burned just surviving motherhood? I wonder... Definitely a lot. 

Cardio? Check!

Did you follow that? See, my brain? All over the place. Told you!

pre-pinterest...

i'm insanely anti-clutter. i hate having "stuff" around. there's no room for you in my life, junk! with just a few exceptions, i hold on to very little. that being said, let me confess: ever since 1996 (i feel old), i've been obsessed with pictures from magazines. and shopping from magazines. i think it's where my love for fashion came from, and why it was obvious what i wanted to study in college- i always knew i'd never be a designer since i'm lousy at creating, but i really love seeing things. and putting them together. i know what i love when i see it. i'd rip out pages from magazines: clothes, hair, roxy ads (i loved roxy ads. i thought for sure i'd be a beach bum one day). i'd plaster those pages across my walls as little inspiration board for... well, who knows really:) i guess they just made me happy! 

it's almost 2013. (have you noticed? what?! 2013?!) thanks to pinterest, external hard drives, and the fact that we'll be adding another person to our 800 sq. ft. home, it's time to purge more of the little we do have. it was time to part with my stash of papers.

it's funny the coincidences i found- in all honesty, i'd still wear 99% of what i ripped out of those magazines 15 years ago. really! i loved seeing the trends. the stores (no h&m or forever 21 to find affordable knock-offs in "those days"). the ads. the people. tyra banks was still a model. WAAAY too many current actors were no-name models back then, hidden in random advertisments (i.e.: ashton kutcher). awesome! now, the good news for me is that it's a lot less weird to pin things, rather than to rip out pages of magazines... even though i'm pretty sure it's for the same reason? either way. i'm saving space this way. peace out, paper. oh, and mike? you can thank me. boo-ya! i found another chunk of space to shove baby wipes.

ps- i still have trouble letting go of anthropoligie catalogs. anyone else? i wish i could just leap through the pages and live in a pretty anthropologie-adorned world:) 

some things never change...

this day reminds me of this & this.

except... she's a lot bigger.

either way, there's something really enticing to her about me making the bed... & her confidence that a bed should be left un-made:)

new blog!

remember jessica? well, i'm so excited to announce that we've teamed up on a new project! butter, with a side of bread is a new blog that will be oozing with delightfully delicious recipes, reviews, and ramblings (obviously, if you know me, rambling is a specialty of mine). 

jessica is a master at cooking, baking, and all things food. 

i'm super good at eating and talking. and butter. and bread. so really, it's a total match made in carb heaven! 

i'm excited for this new project and hope you'll enjoy as well! 

be sure to follow the blog, as well as "like" us on facebook. 

bon appetit!