it's been a few weeks of thinking. thinking and stewing and stressing. nothing bad, thankfully, just the direction of our lives as determined by the choices we make in the coming months. because stewing reminds me of cooking, and i've been a crappy cook for a while now, i'll use another metaphor. 

i realized last night it's like that "tick tick tick ticktickticktick..." you get as you climb a rollercoaster. i'm not a rollercoaster fan, so the only thing i can emotionally compare it too is the barnstormer at disney (you know the little kid coaster that lasts all of 30 seconds? that one. same theory though). that "tickticktick" is the winding up just before the rapid decent and subsequent ride you have no control over. i mean, sure, it's super exhilarating once you're locked into your decision, but also super nerve-wracking while you listen to that daunting "tickticktickticktick!!!!!!" getting faster and faster. 
in this case i can't see how high the climb is from my seat on said coaster, nor have i ridden this particular ride before so i'm not sure how long this will last; i'm also not entirely sure when the tick will stop ticking, momentarily pausing at the top long enough to open my eyes and utter, "oh, this is pretty!" then, "crap, what was i thinking!?!? TOO HIGH! TOO HIGH!!!" 
all of this is immediately followed by screaming (and/or other emotions, based on an individual's thrill preference), as one plummets downward for an unknown period of time, riding along until eventually this portion of one's theme park experience we call life comes to a complete stop. 

the whole theme park comparison to life- i feel like this is a solid analogy for which i could expound quite a bit. but for now, i'll leave it at that.    ticktick.

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