functioning on no sleep...

i think a post like this has been written about this age with each of my kids- one where i sob as i type it out, overwhelmed, exhausted, and completely clueless how to move forward as a functioning human being. except of course, i have managed to continue on. even though each time i am positive this is the worst it’s ever been. when i explain what is happening sleep-wise in our home to others, i think people either 1) assume i’m exaggerating, or 2) think i’m crazy. i swear i have never met another person who has been blessed with kids who are such horrendous sleepers- to the point that it’s actually shocking. how is it shocking? TELL ME THIS IS NOT JUST ME!!! what is happening!?

because i’ve read and googled and prayed and begged and racked my brain endlessly on the topic, i assume i share only to plead for sympathy, and/or in hopes that perhaps i’m missing something obvious? i’m not sure. 

here i am again. 

i have a sinus infection. someone has been sick in our home basically since harvey was born, but in particular, the last month straight. nonstop. colds. stomach bugs. teething. whatever-it’s-called-when-you’re-constantly-sick-from-not-sleeping. all overlapping. my main fear with this apartment- apartment living in general- is this very situation: what happens when people are sick or when “the baby” (that baby we always hypothetically discussed) doesn’t sleep. it’s every ounce as terrible as i imagined. if you haven’t seen our apartment, imagine living in a hotel room. voila: mental picture complete. no hallways. no extra space. the bathroom is also likely much smaller than any hotel you’ve ever stayed in, so that’s not even an option- trust me, we’ve thought of anywhere extra to stick a human, and there aren’t many solutions (elle suggested above the kitchen cupboards, which actually wasn’t so bad of an idea…)

i’ve broken every rule i ever had as a parent. we’ve tried everything. we’ve created bad habits, but it’s out of sheer desperation. with elle (also horrendous in terms of sleep), we were firm and consistent in our unwillingness to bend. with harvey, we’ve bent like gumby. he’s slept in our bed. arms. being rocked, walked, swayed, swooshed… ANYTHING to just get a moment of sleep. mike sleeps on the floor. the couch. we rotate around to where harvey is alone in OUR bed. can you believe that? his crib is useless. if we let him cry it out, he throws up. or wakes up and won’t go back to sleep. it lasts hours. breaks for a few minutes, then begins again. during the night, he cries, moans, fusses, plays, talks, scratches, rolls…. anything and everything. i used to be able to nurse him to stop. last night, he nursed 6 times between 9pm - 1am, and was wide awake for the next hour as i cried. i didn’t even get to sleep last night. not at all. not for 5 minutes. nothing is working. as i type this, i can confidently say i haven’t slept more than 60 straight minutes, day or night, in probably a month. A MONTH. likely longer. 

just yesterday i went to the doctor and he told me i needed sleep or i wouldn’t get better.

last night elle & jude fought until they were both sent to bed early, sobbing, for an hour, and in a fit of maturity all i could think to yell was, “AT LEAST IT ISN’T A WEEKEND!” how bad is it that my only saving grace is sending 2/3 to school so i can breathe. well, the universe is apparently against me (trying to kill me)- not 5 minutes after i said that, school was cancelled due to a huge snow storm. i climbed into bed- a little sliver of my murphy bed not taken up by a 20 lb. baby- hoping tonight was the night i would get some uninterrupted sleep. just as i slid the sheets over me, harvey started crying. so naturally, i followed suit.

i should add that the kids had 10 days off school for holiday break (they were only 2 days back into the school routine this week when school was cancelled); we spent THE ENTIRE BREAK inside. it’s been freezing cold. single digit temps the last couple of weeks. mike & i got colds christmas day, so that added to the fun. i only left the house for photo shoots. which i’m sure is why i ended up with a sinus infection- being in the cold for hours at a time. and, well, not sleeping.

so nights like last night are becoming common now that nothing works for more than a night at a time, except, like clockwork, the older 2 come out of their rooms at 5am (they are still inconsistent sleepers- the other night jude was up screaming at least 5 times).

so the issue is, what do i do to create something that works for more than a second?? i’ve removed every social activity from my calendar. we’ve tried crying it out. we’ve tried gentle soothing methods. i’ve tried feeding on demand. i should add that mike is there, too. he’s awake with me and trying, too. we used to have a system where i fed, he burped and put harvey back down. that was back when harvey ate 3 times a night, BUT DIDN’T CRY. i wished those nights away, and now i’d give anything to have them back! 

the storm is in full-effect. i’ve cried all the tears i have within my body- between the tears and snot, i’m freshly dehydrated. mike is at work, in zombie-mode. the kids are on their umpteenth hour of youtube and kitchen science experiments (i just let them do what they want- the only rule is not to blow anything up). and i sit here and try to soothe my sleepy, worried mind as i convince myself this is for sure the most challenging part of parenthood to-date. 

photos by sam looney.

(weighty) thoughts to close out 2016...

 

i tend to over-exaggerate situations, and mike under-exaggerates. frankly, i'm not a fan of either method, buuuuut i have a couple mostly unrelated & heavy thought-filled posts that have been sitting in my inbox for a while now. i never shared them for fear of coming across as negative and/or ungrateful and/or depressing; i do realize this blog is public and i've said this all on many occasions (see here), so i tend to tread lightly when it comes to heavy topics these days.  this is going to be long. and blunt. sprinkled with some photos from an old co-worker who visited our apartment with his camera one afternoon in november to prettify the heavy load:)

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chapter 1
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baby #3 is headed his/her way the first week of june. this pregnancy was a surprise (very much unlike with elle and jude). i'm grateful for the chance to have another baby, but this pregnancy has been HARD. difficult in every single sense. i was so sick, and emotionally, it wrecked me. i went from playing everyday in a city i adore, to quitting my job in dc, elle starting 1st grade, fall beginning, and immediately being slammed into a brick wall. physically, i could hardly move. i couldn't walk without nearly passing out. i couldn't ride in taxis or on the subway because of the motion. i couldn't get groceries (grocery shopping here is a full-blown workout). i barely got elle to/from school in one piece. i couldn't take care of my kids. the only solace i received was the reassurance that this is it- this would be my last time to carry a baby, and then our family would be complete. there has been much less excitement on my end, and much more overwhelming fear- how we will survive here with a baby both physically and financially is a concept that still brings me to tears. the reality that i wasn't going back to work full-time anytime soon set in, and that was harrrrrrrd for me. i've worked and balanced being a mom for longer than i've been a mom, and i'm fairly sure being a full-time mom isn't an ideal setting for amanda. but it's what needs to happen for now. so, like the rest of what i'm processing, i'm figuring it out as best i can.

i woke up in the middle of the night early in october and i had an instant realization that i was pregnant (insert overwhelming nausea). my mind raced back to a time in 2009 when i felt the same way- FEELING pregnant (then i didn't know), but bleeding. this time i was aware of exactly what was happening. i crawled back in bed and shook mike, "i know this doesn't seem possible, but i'm almost certain i'm pregnant." he jumped out of bed and ran to cvs before the sun came up. instantly it read positive. within an hour of being dead asleep and unaware, i found myself sobbing on the floor of my bathroom with a positive pregnancy test in-hand.

i spent everyday for the next unmentionalble weeks/months crying. they were filled with the aforementioned sickness, feeding my kids nothing but cereal, and my apartment being a complete disaster. there was also the fear that there was a problem with the baby since i was still bleeding. i left the apartment only when necessary, struggled through 2 bouts of pink eye, a few terrible colds, and a slew of doctor bills totaling $8000 for my first routine obgyn appointment alone. a hurricane and horrendous morning sickness left me to cancel a long-awaited girls trip to bermuda. there was also the news that my grandpa was dying. and a funeral. then there were a few weeks of the flu. fall passed, and then winter came.

the hardest symptoms next to the nausea and dizziness and exhaustion and food aversions are smells. the smell of everything- especially fabric- dropped me. (with elle i could smell plastic a mile away. with jude, it was water. it sounds silly, but it's awful.) in addition, the feel of human touch made me cringe. it made my skin crawl.

pregnancy highlights my insecurities, weaknesses, and struggles- physically and mentally. i admire and am viciously jealous of women who glow and embrace and love their bodies. losing control of my body is immensely difficult for me. it's always been a struggle, but never as hard as this time around.

and there you have it! not the vision you usually hear, but the reality of the last few months. and it's getting better as this thankfully healthy baby grows bigger. and the best part is that my kids took the news better than any humans on the planet- they're beyond thrilled. they understand and are so excited it completely humbles me. and we're getting close to the halfway mark!

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chapter 2
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mike and i are completely different people than we were 2 years ago- in a good way. (but i'll leave him out of this.) i feel like there's still such a sense of purpose that i'm finding as a person- not just as a mom or wife, but as amanda. i feel like the move to this city has been such an easy transition as a family- so easy. it's home. people ask all the time, but it's true. it was home before we lived here. the honeymoon phase has worn off and the reality of finances and lifestyle and being a family of 4.5 in this crazy city is staring us square in the face. absolute terror aside, i've never felt so sure we are right where we need to be. i've been overwhelmed with appreciation for the differences in people here. the awareness of diversity, and the humanity that exists where change is the lifeblood of the community. it brings me to tears to see my kids completely unaware of people who are different than themselves in every way imaginable.

my #1 wish as a mother has always been to raise kids that are good, kind people. this year i've realized i want to add respectful to that short list. i want them to value and understand that diversity and individuality are what make us us. i realize that just being "good" in a stepford wives sense isn't the kind of "good" i imagined. i want them to be individuals who are the best they can be in their own sense- not in comparison to anyone but themselves. i want them to love and be kind and to respect.

there is grey- not just black and white- which has proven to be one of my biggest challenges as i've come to know myself these past couple of years- it's been a huge struggle for me- my mind is a black and white land, but i'm starting to see grey, and i feel like it's making me a stronger person and a better spouse and mother. grey means there is space for awareness and processing. space to change- because we all do. space to adapt and adjust.  

all i felt was missing in my life i feel like i've found here in nyc, but i'm also left acutely aware of what we left behind- things that were chosen, and things that time has taken away from us (as time tends to do). i feel so much older. i also feel so much less wise. sometimes i get queasy when i even think of the person i was when i was in my early 20's. i wonder how i was so unaware. how i was so ignorant and so selfish.

i've never been political- i really detest confrontation and contention, and politics isn't devoid of either, but this past few months i feel like my eyes have been dramatically opened. leaving our old life was pivotal in comforting my tired soul- a lot of that is due to politics- both literal and metaphorical. about a week ago my emotions came to a head when an announcement was made that i whole-heartedly disagree with, and it brought me to tears out of disappointment. i was/am hurt that such a decision could even be made, and that there are SO MANY people defending that decision. i have always been very uncomfortable when religious and political lines blur, but this decision crossed that line in a way i feel in my soul is vehemently wrong. the defense of the decision is shocking to me. the lack of awareness as to why this is concerning flabbergasts me. the reasons the decision is being defended is (in my opinion) both offensive and hypocritical.

in all of this- this decision, the reflection of changes over the past 2 years- i've realized just how much i have changed.

i have no idea where or when the long-sought answers will come, and i desperately want to cling to the principles i believe with my heart are true, but at least i feel surrounded by people and experiences and things that are going to help me through this learning process i'm facing at this very time. i'm not alone. that's also why i'm even sharing this. words and tears of friends who are also struggling with matters of the heart have come as lifesavers, and are comforting to my soul. we talk about struggles and how to become better- not just about how we should be better for others, but how we need to be better for ourselves. 

i'm grateful for a husband who is in this with me entirely. i'm so happy to have him by my side as we've trudged through this adventure- one that bares little resemblance to our twitter-pated college selves in 2004, but one that feels deep and real and ugly and beautiful all at the same time.  

somehow in one of the most challenging places i am finding peace and comfort in the fight. it seems to always be worth the fight.

see you soon, 2017!

photos by cody bell.

about 2014, a whole lot of honesty, and a post i call "stepping into the darkness in faith..."

"There are times when we have to step into the darkness in faith, confident that God will place solid ground beneath our feet once we do. And so I accepted gladly, knowing that God would provide." - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

this blog has always been a journal of sorts. as the years have passed there have been times when i have been perhaps too forward, and in recent times have been more selective about what i share online. i never mean to be deceptive or cryptic, but i want to cherish the words and pictures here since it is a record i love to keep- a record of my family during what i know will be some of the greatest years of my life! that being said, this post is one that has been in the works for a long time. it is a record i want to share because it is the honest truth:

2014 was the hardest year of my life. 

i know many, many people have it so much harder than i do, but for me personally, i feel like my entire core was gutted- burned to the ground, and all i was left with was a shell- a structure that had no clue how to continue because all i knew was somehow left in ashes. from the outside, life was beautiful. we were blessed with so much- family, friends, good jobs, a wonderful home, and a million things i never want to seem ungrateful for. meanwhile, some circumstances i couldn't control ignited inside- a tiny little smolder i suppose? the following months just burned. burned and burned and burned with no source of where the ignition came from, or how to extinguish that lousy fire.

2014 was a year of tears.

...more tears than i ever want to count. it was a year of counseling and therapy- alone and as a couple. it was spent constantly searching for answers. constantly trying to figure out how to stop the burning, and start rebuilding, but it just didn't happen. deep down in my very core, life was off. i felt horrible- guilty for thinking i was just being selfish, but even worse for not knowing how to trust my gut. growing up i was taught to think for myself, communicate with God, and trust my intuition, but all that seemed to make no sense now that i was an adult. as a wife, as a mom, none of it applied because i wasn't free to make my own decisions anymore- my decisions were velcro'd to the lives of 3 others. i had tried to control my own life, which just made those around me miserable- no one teaches you what to do when you're tried it all.

2014 was a year where i felt completely alone and abandoned. 

i feel like there's some misnomer that when you're "in trouble," all you have to do is reach out for help- you talk, get a solution, and then you move on. in speaking honestly, that was unbelievably contrary to what really happened. "professionals" who are technically resources, weren't. there were more days/nights than i could ever count where i was positive that i was helpless. and alone. and had no choice but to keep going, albeit, miserably. it was really difficult. i wondered where the white flag of surrender was- did you know there isn't one!? some nights you don't sleep, but then the morning comes just the same- the phone rings, bills are due, food needs made, toilets need scrubbed... and no one lets you just "not deal" with life. (i felt incredibly grown up and let down when that epiphany came.) i remember more days than i could count just running early in the morning- running as hard and fast as i could because it was the only way i could get out the pain and frustration and confusion- i cried on most of those runs, and drained my body until i couldn't go on any farther. i literally felt like i was totally and completely falling apart. throughout all of this, i feel like i let sides of myself show that i'm not super proud of; i am weak and human, and was more than frustrated. all i longed for was peace, and for some reason, to which i am still not entirely certain, i couldn't find it- not in a single place. all the usual watering holes were dry. i became more and more and more bitter and sore and excruciatingly, overwhelmingly, unbelievably dehydrated. i could literally feel myself burning down. i feel like i was surrounded by people who are the epitome of springs of hope, but nothing was penetrating the bubble i was in.

2014 was a year to recognize the need for goodbyes. 

this is the part i longed to share- in hopes it would remind me how we got here. see, we had pretty much everything, but we were miserable. it took until late fall for us to decide. that the only thing we hadn't done- the only thing left to do to keep our family's core together- was to leave it all. we were going to walk away from everything, and everyone we loved, everything except us 4. we could fall on our faces. we could lose all the stability we worked for the last decade to create. we could- and would- lose all the things we thought we "wanted," because, apparently, we didn't want them after all. we searched & hunted & pled for an escape. (that made for an even longer couple of months.) those months were a blessing and a curse. we wanted confirmation that this idea wasn't crazy, but we never got it. that was when i started to write all this, hoping it was all going to happen. hoping 2015 would bring change and happiness. we planned a trial trip to nyc in january to escape and think, and mostly to feel, and for the first time, especially together, mike and i felt peace. and direction. and confirmation. and comfort. it will forever be one of the greatest weekends of my life because in that busy, loud, crazy city, i felt something. but it was an entire y e a r after it all began.

We aren’t told all of the circumstances of the disciples as they set out in their boat, but it was toward evening, and certainly it was a night of storm. The winds must have been ferocious from the start. Because of the winds, these men probably never even raised the sails but labored only with the oars—and labor it would have been. We know this because by the time of “the fourth watch of the night” (Matthew 14:25)—that is somewhere between three and six in the morning—they had gone only a few miles. By then the ship was caught up in a truly violent storm, a storm like those that can still sweep down on the Sea of Galilee to this day. But, as always, Christ was watching over them. He always does, remember? Seeing their difficulty, the Savior simply took the most direct approach to their boat, striding out across the waves to help them, walking on the water as surely as he had walked upon the land. In their moment of great extremity, the disciples looked and saw in the darkness this wonder in a fluttering robe coming toward them on the ridges of the sea. They cried out in terror at the sight, thinking that it was a phantom upon the waves. Then, through the storm and darkness—when the ocean seems so great and little boats seem so small—there came the ultimate and reassuring voice of peace from their Master. “It is I,” he said, “be not afraid” (verse 27).

Into every adult human life come experiences like unto the battling of the storm-tossed voyagers with contrary winds and threatening seas; ofttimes the night of struggle and danger is far advanced before succor appears; and then, too frequently the saving aid is mistaken for a greater terror. [But,] as came unto[these disciples] in the midst of the turbulent waters, so comes to all who toil in faith, the voice of the Deliverer—“It is I; be not afraid.” [Jesus the Christ, 3d ed. (Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1916), p. 337]

i had no idea just how long it would take for peace to return. and how much i still hurt from that long ordeal. i still feel sore- tired and bruised and exhausted and unsteady. i tell mike how much i hate putting up this facade that all is well when it's not, but at the same time, i don't want to look back and see what looks like bliss- 2014 was a year of absolute faking it. and i hated it. i'm seeing now the miracles- i just feel a little confused and beaten up, hoping one day i will understand why it took so long to see them. because i looked. i looked hard, i promise i did! it still is difficult to see where life is taking us- on one hand we're thrilled! this is our time to learn and discover and take risk. it's time to grow together as a family of 4- to fuse our little selves together because we're all that really matters right now. it's also absolutely terrifying. from the moment i accepted this job back east, the miracles started rolling. real, visible, tangible miracles- some of them are beautiful, and others hurt- but they're miracles, and mike and i are working hard to recognize them and trust in faith that they are the answers we pleaded for.

what i want to remember is that this isn't all pretty- this life we're living- it's a deliberate attempt at keeping it all together. it's filled with hard and ugly and lonely moments. we're doing our best to capture the good and hold on to those times because whether we like it or not, life is passing by.

we walked away from it all to try and keep it all together...     
it's an oxymoron, but one we hope we'll look back on years from now and smile looking at the pictures because we did it. we literally stepped (jumped?) off a cliff into the darkness in faith...

"The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue—it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know. When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much you do not have, leading as it were with your 'unbelief.' ... I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have." - Jeffrey R. Holland

pictures by mandi nelson.

on functioning, forgetting, family, failing, fitting in, and funerals.

i tend to err on the side of OCD. i literally cannot function without a sense of cleanliness, organization, and balance. i function better when i'm busy (needed). i have a lousy memory, so i track things by writing them down. i hate being late. i am a stickler for rule-abiding and keeping commitments. i struggle with grey. i struggle with inconsistency. now that i think of it, i must drive most everyone in my life nuts.

i got home from work the other day and cracked open my planner- i immediately realized that it had been far to long since it was opened- there were a handful of things i had forgotten entirely. elle's dance class days before? never took her. i totally forgot it existed. picking things up, dropping things off? spaced them. i don't remember the last time i just missed entire events!

last week was completely crazy. i'm wishing there was a more fitting word, but i can't think of one so crazy will do. it was fun and uplifting and busy, all sandwiched between general women's meeting and general conference. all our international board members were in town- which was a pure delight! i worked 60ish hours in addition to celebrating (and missing part of) my daughter's 5th birthday. most work hours were long before the sun came up, or late into the night after the sun (and my family) were in bed. mike played mom, dad, cook, and entertainer. i may have skipped over the detail that he started his MBA this fall, in addition to working full-time as well. he's been super dad. i feel like somewhat of a failure as a mom.

in addition to the (good?) stresses and life's exciting moments, there was also bad news upon bad news. 2014 will go down in my personal book as just plain hard. because i dyed my hair the first week in january, 2014 will forever be the year of being blond aaaaand being a struggling mess. mike and i have talked more times than i could ever count about how lucky we are, but just how taxing this year has been.      take this past week for example- it's been so good- the outside has been busy and fun and uplifting and positive, but man was there a lot going on behind the curtain. the most explainable being loss. we found out mid-week that mike's grandma was nearing the end of her long but sweet life. she passed away the following day. i think death is such a beautiful thing- i've said it before- it's such a fascinating thing to me. that being said, 5 others also died within 48 hours. it was almost creepy the wave of death that seemed to wash over those we know. the circumstances range from peaceful, to tragic, to completely overwhelmingly heartbreaking. i've attended 2 funerals in the past 3 days, and others i wish i could attend. my heart is heavy.

one of the hardest concepts i've been trying to wrap my brain around lately is this idea of being yourself, but being someone for others as well- i have responsibilities as a human being, a wife, mother, daughter, friend, employee, neighbor... i could go on and on. i feel like i never know who comes first in that list, and when that order gets skewed, how i then rearrange my life since all those "responsibilities" are perfectly reasonable and necessary. who i let down first. who i attend to last. my own life and my decisions are intertwined with a lot of other lives. or at least a small handful. for someone who struggles with control issues, i am still very much in the initial stages of learning how to do this. placing my marriage first, but my children first at the same time. oh! and myself. don't forget to sleep and eat and exercise and by all means, be happy!     *sigh*     it's very bewildering. 

i actually googled "synonyms for confused" and feel remarkably comforted that at least a thesaurus understands me, likely, better than i understand myself:) 

a generally lousy mood.

life.       i just don't know.      i've had a seriously overwhelming general feeling of junkiness lately. in my effort to be forthright and remember that although this time in our life is wonderful and magical and delightful (that's what everyone older than me always says), it's also really crappy and frustrating and complicated sometimes. what you see isn't always what you get, and being a grown up is really confusing. this year has been long, and it's only march... 

i am issuing daylight savings time as the reason behind most of the problems in my life. i hate everything about it. i feel like blaming someone, so there you have it. robbing an hour from one side of the day to give it to another side of the day makes no sense to me. 

mostly, since the time change, things have just been all around worse. my children refuse to sleep. pretty much, at all. babies waking up before 6am has been a daily occurrence for the last almost-5-years, but this- this is a whole new low. jude has been a relatively good napper, and decent sleeper, but he's been terrible. 

we went from 3 naps, to sort-of-1 in a matter of days. he screams. he's terribly naughty. most of this can also be attributed to the fact that he's a boy, and that he's 1, but it's been a total shift in living with this needy roommate. hours and hours of screaming each night is beyond maddening. moments in the darkness are highlighted and hours drag on, especially when they're surrounded by days that make me want to pull my hair out.

elle has been difficult to say the least. the two of us butt heads constantly. she is (we are) moody and irritable and angry. it's exhausting. last night she was up all night walking in and out of our room crying. crying about something. anything. she refused to sleep. like me, she's apparently having a really hard time with life, and her 4-year-old self is acting much like a teenager in every sense. maybe we both are. it's a baaaaad combination.

the stress of running somewhere all the time is killing me. i feel like all we have left to cut out are things we can't cut out. people are just about all that's left, and it sounds a little drastic to cut perfectly good people out of my life just because i'm tired.

to make matters worse, mike and i have been trying to focus on being healthier for, well, for a long time now, but really lately we've amped up our efforts. we're putting in 10x the work, and i feel like things are getting worse- do you ever feel like that? sometimes i hate trying harder, because when i fail, i feel 100x worse.

speaking of running, i have always had a hatred toward running, but over recent years, i've started to like it just because i can literally run away. fast and hard and without a care. it's a little less fulfilling whilst on a treadmill, but at least i can push my body until i nearly fall over. i am a lousy runner, but it helps with frustration. anyway, since running isn't incredibly realistic everyday for both mike & i (although we wish it were- anyone have a treadmill they want to give us?), mike thought it wise to buy a weighted jump rope. the other night i was feeling particularly terrible, so with all the angst and fury within my person i went out in the garage to blow off steam. guess what i learned? apparently since having 2 kids i can no longer jump rope without literally peeing. what the heck? know what makes someone who is already irate more irate? peeing on themselves. although mike found it to be hysterical that i was yelling what must have been the strangest angry phrase, freaking out because i apparently have no bladder control, well, i found it less amusing.

i feel like life is full of hypocrisy and confusing mixed messages. i am such a black & white person so i struggle when answers lie within the grey. you know-

focus on yourself, but spend your time serving others.

exercise self-control, but don't become obsessive.

create structure and discipline with your children, but be flexible.

don't be idle, but don't over-schedule.

focus on simplicity, but make each day special.

be honest, but not blunt. 

be kind, but not a pushover.

use judgement, but don't judge.

communicate your frustrations, but don't complain.

don't be negative, but stop being so "perfect." 

i suppose i just haven't figured out the balance yet? i swing from one side of the pendulum to the other, struggling constantly with balancing it all. i'm hoping this will just pass.   it needs to.   soon. 

the hope is that one day we will look back and realize this was just a big blur of trials that made us stronger. hindsight is 20/20. life could be so much worse, but still, this is really hard. 

now, if only it was realistic to move to arizona or hawaii (preferably the latter) and at least avoid that stupid time change... maybe that would help??

coming through on the other side...

(video from here.)

recent weeks have left significant decisions in "my" hands.

some decisions were good- challenging- but potentially, could lead to incredible opportunities. 

others were discouraging, frustrating, and honestly, totally shocking. 

through all of this, i have once again recognized how lucky i am to have people in my life who have my back 100%- something that is an amazing blessing. 

my kids have been little lights to keep me focused on the present, reminding me what matters right now.

the independence my parents taught me growing up, and support in my decision-making, has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. 

i've also been reminded what a perfect support mike is- he is always by my side, but gives me wings to fly as i determine what is best for me (and in turn, our family). although i wish i received answers like others seem to, i'm learning that my Heavenly Father is always there as i move forward (usually feeling thoroughly blind:), allowing me to use my discernment and choose what is best. 

although i am confident, happy, and at peace, my insides are still feeling a bit bruised. 

unfortunately, i have seen how dark and cruel people (strangers i suppose) can be. 

fortunately, i have become even more deliberate in holding my children close to me, and am now moving forward resolved to do my best to teach them unrelenting kindness, goodness, and compassion. i want to teach with every ounce of my being that faith and morals are paramount. i want them to know that love is the first commandment. there is no excuse for cruelty or harsh words.

going through the motions sometimes leads us to conclusions- sometimes we just need the reminder of who we are- a quick stir to shake us from our stable place and make us grab those values that kept us rooted. repetition of the mundane or ordinary or even misunderstood patterns, eventually leads us to the realization that those habits weren't simple or mundane or ordinary at all.

Our very life depends on everything's

Recurring till we answer from within.

The thousandth time may prove the charm.

  - Robert Frost, "Snow"

death & life.

I think everyone certain sensitivities- things they find incredibly interesting, and really move them right down to their core- something they feel really “connected” to, if that makes sense? This past weekend (hence my last post - no worries, we are all ok!), the events that came up were tied to life and death.

Mike gets the heebie-jeebies when it comes to anything death-related. Me? I feel like I was exposed to a more-than-normal amount of death growing up. Death has always struck me as incredibly fascinating. Beautiful in so many ways. The miracle of life is completed with this one, final act; the word “…died…” without hesitation, seems to send your mind flashing backwards, envisioning an entire lifetime of events. The character of an individual. Their smile. Their laugh. Memories- anything or everything. It’s just incredible.

Since last weekend, my mind has been thinking nonstop. This time around, I feel a certain sting of death more than before. Stronger than I've felt in a long time. I questioned how I can possibly raise a daughter even remotely equipped to deal with life these days. A few days of thinking, and all I can solidly come up with is by just loving her. Praying & loving her more than ever before. Trusting that she isn't really "mine," and He will take care of her perfectly. We put ourselves into units- couples, families, friends- but when it comes right down to it, this life is an individual journey.

For me, it’s not about having fear- I don’t have a fear of death itself. The emotion is almost always tied to those who are still living. Lately, I’ve been so amazed by stories of grace and love and faith. The power of connectivity as humans- the core values and inherent desire to live a life of joy. I have such gratitude for knowledge of eternal families. Gratitude for the love, faith, and compassion of a just and perfect Father in Heaven. My best friend and her parents were killed in a car accident when I was eleven, and I remember reading a book called “The Birth that We Call Death.” That phrase has always stuck with me. It’s an event- just one- it’s monumental in its nature because it is the end to what we know as our now. As the living, we move on because we have to, although “time” as we measure it for that one has stopped.
Isn't it all incredible?!

Shortly after my last post, I came across this article. It’s timing was spot-on, and it’s perspective was refreshing.

Nurse Reveals Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

“For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

ready or not, here (it) comes...

before going to bed on new year's eve (yes, it was still new year's EVE:),

mike & i had our usual "girl talk."

i like our chats.

2011 was nearly over. it was a good year, really! we were very lucky. our lives were incredibly consistent. no high-highs, or low-lows. it was the most stable in all of my 27 years. we had the same jobs & house. our little family grew another year older. we traveled. we played. the year had more emotional challenges than ever before, but they were the kind that settles on anyone at a certain time in their lives.

we knew we were lucky. we watched those around us struggle. we prayed for them, and gave thanks for all that we were blessed with...

although we are grateful, we kind of went to sleep with a bit of a pit in our stomachs.

has that ever happened to you? you feel too "ok?"

this feeling that impeding doom (or at least strokes of bad luck) is almost certain to come. it always does.

such is the way a rollercoaster rolls.

the last time we felt "something in the works," we woke up and learned that mike's job was over. the baby in my pregnant tummy was struggling. so was i. blegh.

i hate it. i hate those moments.

flash forward 20 hours.

we were eating a new year's dinner at my parents, and within 2 minutes, 2 heaps of sadness were thrown on us.

it was already starting! really? this was the stuff that keeps you up at night with sadness. heartache. more tears for other's pain.

it is the sadness that puts life into perspective- makes events of years past feel like they happened yesterday.

i'm not afraid of the challenges, in fact, the more i've thought about the coming 364 days the more i've realized that whatever will come will be right. we will grow just like we need to grow. we'll learn. life will change. it's just life. that's what life does.

change is on the horizon, and it is welcome.

(she says with one eye open.)