3.24.2014

a generally lousy mood.

life.       i just don't know.      i've had a seriously overwhelming general feeling of junkiness lately. in my effort to be forthright and remember that although this time in our life is wonderful and magical and delightful (that's what everyone older than me always says), it's also really crappy and frustrating and complicated sometimes. what you see isn't always what you get, and being a grown up is really confusing. this year has been long, and it's only march... 

i am issuing daylight savings time as the reason behind most of the problems in my life. i hate everything about it. i feel like blaming someone, so there you have it. robbing an hour from one side of the day to give it to another side of the day makes no sense to me. 

mostly, since the time change, things have just been all around worse. my children refuse to sleep. pretty much, at all. babies waking up before 6am has been a daily occurrence for the last almost-5-years, but this- this is a whole new low. jude has been a relatively good napper, and decent sleeper, but he's been terrible. 
we went from 3 naps, to sort-of-1 in a matter of days. he screams. he's terribly naughty. most of this can also be attributed to the fact that he's a boy, and that he's 1, but it's been a total shift in living with this needy roommate. hours and hours of screaming each night is beyond maddening. moments in the darkness are highlighted and hours drag on, especially when they're surrounded by days that make me want to pull my hair out.

elle has been difficult to say the least. the two of us butt heads constantly. she is (we are) moody and irritable and angry. it's exhausting. last night she was up all night walking in and out of our room crying. crying about something. anything. she refused to sleep. like me, she's apparently having a really hard time with life, and her 4-year-old self is acting much like a teenager in every sense. maybe we both are. it's a baaaaad combination.

the stress of running somewhere all the time is killing me. i feel like all we have left to cut out are things we can't cut out. people are just about all that's left, and it sounds a little drastic to cut perfectly good people out of my life just because i'm tired.

to make matters worse, mike and i have been trying to focus on being healthier for, well, for a long time now, but really lately we've amped up our efforts. we're putting in 10x the work, and i feel like things are getting worse- do you ever feel like that? sometimes i hate trying harder, because when i fail, i feel 100x worse.

speaking of running, i have always had a hatred toward running, but over recent years, i've started to like it just because i can literally run away. fast and hard and without a care. it's a little less fulfilling whilst on a treadmill, but at least i can push my body until i nearly fall over. i am a lousy runner, but it helps with frustration. anyway, since running isn't incredibly realistic everyday for both mike & i (although we wish it were- anyone have a treadmill they want to give us?), mike thought it wise to buy a weighted jump rope. the other night i was feeling particularly terrible, so with all the angst and fury within my person i went out in the garage to blow off steam. guess what i learned? apparently since having 2 kids i can no longer jump rope without literally peeing. what the heck? know what makes someone who is already irate more irate? peeing on themselves. although mike found it to be hysterical that i was yelling what must have been the strangest angry phrase, freaking out because i apparently have no bladder control, well, i found it less amusing.

i feel like life is full of hypocrisy and confusing mixed messages. i am such a black & white person so i struggle when answers lie within the grey. you know-

focus on yourself, but spend your time serving others.
exercise self-control, but don't become obsessive.
create structure and discipline with your children, but be flexible.
don't be idle, but don't over-schedule.
focus on simplicity, but make each day special.
be honest, but not blunt. 
be kind, but not a pushover.
use judgement, but don't judge.
communicate your frustrations, but don't complain.
don't be negative, but stop being so "perfect." 

i suppose i just haven't figured out the balance yet? i swing from one side of the pendulum to the other, struggling constantly with balancing it all. i'm hoping this will just pass.   it needs to.   soon. 

the hope is that one day we will look back and realize this was just a big blur of trials that made us stronger. hindsight is 20/20. life could be so much worse, but still, this is really hard. 

now, if only it was realistic to move to arizona or hawaii (preferably the latter) and at least avoid that stupid time change... maybe that would help??

4 comments:

  1. I appreciate the honesty of this post!! I feel like this a lot. Balancing life is hard for me too. I'm having a baby in 3 weeks and I'm truly dreading that I'll be even worse at balancing things. Grateful to have a new baby of course but life is hard at this point in our lives. Thanks for being honest about it!

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  2. I'm sorry that things are so crummy lately. And I love that you can be honest about it instead of keeping it all in (like so many of us do until we explode or hide in a corner crying LOL). I feel like I can sometimes write this post. Of course the things going on in our life are different, but just the general feeling that I can't keep up sucks- and I totally get it.

    I have no words of wisdom. Frankly, sometimes life just sucks. And then it finally gets better. Who knows why, maybe God sees that we're about to run away to the funny farm. Or maybe our kids and husbands see that crazy look in our eyes and realize we are *this* close to joining the circus.... Just realize something's got to give. Give yourself some slack. If the house looks like crap but you're getting in a workout (my therapy) and extra sleep, then do it. If you're like me and get even crazier when the house is chaotic, then let something else slide a little. You can't keep all the balls in the air all at once. NONE of us have everything together. There is always something (or things) suffering when it seems like life is totally perfect. Make meals simpler so you don't have to spend a ton of time in the kitchen; let Jude sleep with you for a bit if that means he sleeps. I don't know. But let yourself not be perfect and don't even try to have it all together right now. It's okay. :) And it's pretty impossible as long as you have kids anyway. They have a way of making your life constant chaos and then they're gone. And when they're grown and out of the house we'll have plenty of time to have that perfect house and gasp! hobbies. You can only do so much. I find that if I can keep my house presentable but still workout and spend some time with the kids, then the day is a success. Tom doesn't care if the house isn't great as long as we're all happy. ((hugs)) We've all been there- and are there.

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  3. Sounds like the cousins need to come have a weekend getaway at my house so mom and dad can sleep. Seriously though if you want a break I would be happy to take them for a night or two.

    And if it makes you feel any better I pee when I jump too.

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  4. Well, I'm going back and catching up on your blog and now reading this post. I'm sorry did you step into my life and write down my inner feelings? haha This is SO how I feel right now. BALANCE! What is it? And how do I find it!??? Thanks for your honesty!

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