on the rooftop at 30 weeks and prenatal depression.

 a few things.

it's been a while. 

i finally got the energy to pull out my camera for an hour the other night after dinner. i put on clothes (sort of). the foggy, rainy day was clearing as the sun started to set, and since the days on our rooftop are almost at a close, i knew i would regret it if we didn't go out for a bit. i planned on lots more parties and play dates on that roof before our move, but the frigid march temps and constant snow/rain made those plans impossible. a friend took jude and i to lunch (VIA CAR) IN NEW JERSEY (!!!!!!!), which totally boosted my spirits. not only was it lunch, it was cheesecake factory. cheeeeesecake factory!!!! chain restaurants aren't commonly accessible in nyc, and cheesecake factory is no exception. (sometimes you just need some linda's fudge cake.) i ordered a 2 pieces of cake to-go as a way to motivate myself to get on the roof after dinner and enjoy the night as a family. also, only 3 plates, 2 forks, and 1 spoon were clean so we improvised;) 
our rooftop has been a place of overwhelming peace and comfort for the last 12 months. from the moment i stepped onto it last st. patrick's day, just me and a broker, i felt fresh air. the chaos and noise of the busy street below sound like angels singing to me. the lights in the night. the sunsets. the air when it gets dark. morning workouts and sipping cocoa. the hammock. buckets of tears when my heart ached and mind raced. so many emotions have been calmed on that roof. it's been a backup plan and an escape. that rooftop was such a literal symbol of where we'd come- the fact that we made it to the city that we fought so hard to get into! as much as i hate to say goodbye, it's best for us to change apartments. we'll still have access to another part of the rooftop to some extent, but it won't be in the form of our own little spiral staircase. and as much as i love it, we didn't use it NEARLY as much as we should have:) #nycweathersucks
other than random bathroom mirror selfies in my underwear, i have little evidence of this pregnancy. pants and gravity are not my friends. it's cold, so dresses aren't my friend either. basically, i'm half naked 90% of my days. i've decided that for all the years i was anti-leggings, they'll be the only form of pantage for the next 10 weeks, and that's just going to have to work. i'm almost 31 weeks now, so it was time to document at least part of this pregnancy.
lastly, let's talk for a minute about pregnancy & depression. i mentioned this on instagram, but the pregnancy struggle for me is real. it's been real each pregnancy, but this one has taken the cake. i found this article about prenatal depression and it made me feel SO much better (there's also this on wikipedia, which i read a dozen times to make myself feel better). i'm no stranger to anxiety and depression, but whilst pregnant this all was exponentially worse. my biggest struggles are multiplied, highlighted, and unavoidable. medication isn't an option, and my OB was as helpful as a rock, so this pregnancy i'm playing the countdown game until i can get back to a normal routine. i never want to mistake these issues with a lack of love or generosity on the part of others- i feel so immensely grateful for a husband who thankfully knows i'll be his wife again soon, and for friends and others who are constantly offering a helping hand. the issue is largely mental, and i know it will pass, i just feel like it's important to share that it's not all shiny hair, glowing skin, and a beautiful baby bump- at least for me. a friend commented on my post that "delivery" is called delivery for a reason. 
truer words may never have been spoken:)
(our first days in nyc here.)

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry that you're feeling rotten (to put it mildy, I'm sure). But you are loved. Mike loves you. Jude & Elle love you. And this sweet baby boy is going to LOOOOOOOVE you! And maybe even one day, he'll thank you for going through one more pregnancy just for him! ;)
    Only 9 more weeks! you got this!!!


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