12.22.2017

our family in central park, and a state of the family message...

the last few months have been a blur- the shift between summer and this "new life" happened the first week of october. just like last year (pre-pregnancy, to WHAM barf-land that same week in october!). it was a clear line in the sand- old to new. 
elle turned 8. 
family came into town. we had an amazing time! it was busy and fun, but perfect. the day before they left i was hired to freelance with a great company- flytographer. we were also asked to do this really fun photo shoot in central park, so we had last-minute family pictures thrown together the day family left- which was crazy in and of itself. 

harvey started to hit a sleep regression pattern this same week (ironically, he fell asleep during this photo shoot! you can see him snoozing in some of the photos). he's always fighting colds, and it seems like they coincide with vaccinations, so i chalked it up to "this will pass" since i didn't know what else to do. mike takes things in stride, and considering how flexible i need harvey to be because our lives are just so mobile, i never pushed the issue of creating routines like i relied on so heavily with elle and jude. fast forward 3 months later, and his sleep has gone from bad to horrendously worse. it's been over a month of him waking up at least every hour. he is super chill and lovely and happy during the day- he cat naps, usually while i'm running errands, or in between editing photo sessions- it's just the way we've been forced to survive! at night, however, he's completely unable to put himself back to sleep without being: a) held/rocked, or b) nursed. usually b. there was a stretch where he screamed so much when we laid him down that mike and i took turns holding him for hours at a time, just so the remaining 3 members of the family could get sleep. the one time we let him scream, he projectile puked everywhere!!! apartment living- and 518 square feet- is the worst possible scenario for sleeplessness, and i feel pretty trapped in this never-ending cycle. it's a battle we need to fight, we just don't know how, and don't have much energy to do so! we were in a rythm where i nursed, mike burped, and we all went back to bed rather swiftly- it was totally do-able. now that he won't lay flat, it's horrific. he's reminding me of a certain oldest child i have who also was a terrible sleeper, and there was no about of crying it out that ever fixed that situation.
i'm almost in tears just processing this all.
evening and nights are depressing. mike, harvey, and myself all shuffle around between the bed, floor, couch... you name it. anywhere we think we can squeeze in an hour of sleep just to function.

mike has been swapping out working from home to balance out my photo shoots- 35 shoots in the last 30 days. i've also found a sitter that's been coming to help a little each week since what we've been doing isn't conducive to long-term success;) once the shoots are done, there are edits. and a lot of them. tens of thousands of pictures to go through in a few weeks (not kidding).

elle & jude are getting huge, and i'm feeling terrible for saying no to play-dates and weekend activities. we've done so little prep for christmas. i have such guilt. SUCH GUILT. i feel like i'm doing 100 things at 1% capacity- nothing is going "great," but everyone is alive, and the extra bit of income has been a huge blessing in a city that eats you alive. the hustle is a blessing. it keeps us on our toes. it's worth it. we just need to find balance. isn't it funny how the one thing you're missing arrives, but then 3 other things fall out of place? i'm hoping 2018 will bring perspective- the ability to see more clearly what is best for our family. watching harvey grow is breaking my heart. his baby-hood is fleeting. and it's been really hard for me. this year has been such an incredible one- validation that timing is out of our hands, but also that there is a bigger picture. 

i'm so grateful for all that 2017 brought to our not-so-little family of 5. 

merry christmas & happy new year!!



photos by lauren k. for flytographer

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