on functioning, forgetting, family, failing, fitting in, and funerals.

i tend to err on the side of OCD. i literally cannot function without a sense of cleanliness, organization, and balance. i function better when i'm busy (needed). i have a lousy memory, so i track things by writing them down. i hate being late. i am a stickler for rule-abiding and keeping commitments. i struggle with grey. i struggle with inconsistency. now that i think of it, i must drive most everyone in my life nuts.

i got home from work the other day and cracked open my planner- i immediately realized that it had been far to long since it was opened- there were a handful of things i had forgotten entirely. elle's dance class days before? never took her. i totally forgot it existed. picking things up, dropping things off? spaced them. i don't remember the last time i just missed entire events!

last week was completely crazy. i'm wishing there was a more fitting word, but i can't think of one so crazy will do. it was fun and uplifting and busy, all sandwiched between general women's meeting and general conference. all our international board members were in town- which was a pure delight! i worked 60ish hours in addition to celebrating (and missing part of) my daughter's 5th birthday. most work hours were long before the sun came up, or late into the night after the sun (and my family) were in bed. mike played mom, dad, cook, and entertainer. i may have skipped over the detail that he started his MBA this fall, in addition to working full-time as well. he's been super dad. i feel like somewhat of a failure as a mom.

in addition to the (good?) stresses and life's exciting moments, there was also bad news upon bad news. 2014 will go down in my personal book as just plain hard. because i dyed my hair the first week in january, 2014 will forever be the year of being blond aaaaand being a struggling mess. mike and i have talked more times than i could ever count about how lucky we are, but just how taxing this year has been.      take this past week for example- it's been so good- the outside has been busy and fun and uplifting and positive, but man was there a lot going on behind the curtain. the most explainable being loss. we found out mid-week that mike's grandma was nearing the end of her long but sweet life. she passed away the following day. i think death is such a beautiful thing- i've said it before- it's such a fascinating thing to me. that being said, 5 others also died within 48 hours. it was almost creepy the wave of death that seemed to wash over those we know. the circumstances range from peaceful, to tragic, to completely overwhelmingly heartbreaking. i've attended 2 funerals in the past 3 days, and others i wish i could attend. my heart is heavy.

one of the hardest concepts i've been trying to wrap my brain around lately is this idea of being yourself, but being someone for others as well- i have responsibilities as a human being, a wife, mother, daughter, friend, employee, neighbor... i could go on and on. i feel like i never know who comes first in that list, and when that order gets skewed, how i then rearrange my life since all those "responsibilities" are perfectly reasonable and necessary. who i let down first. who i attend to last. my own life and my decisions are intertwined with a lot of other lives. or at least a small handful. for someone who struggles with control issues, i am still very much in the initial stages of learning how to do this. placing my marriage first, but my children first at the same time. oh! and myself. don't forget to sleep and eat and exercise and by all means, be happy!     *sigh*     it's very bewildering. 

i actually googled "synonyms for confused" and feel remarkably comforted that at least a thesaurus understands me, likely, better than i understand myself:) 

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