being more pregnant than i've ever been before.

i went from being so excited and potentially-patient in my last post, to now thinking this has been the longest couple weeks of my life. i made the mistake of talking about how close i was, so that means every time anyone sees me, talks to me, texts me, whatever, i hear: "YOU ARE STILL PREGNANT!?" that "question" is more uncomfortable than even the strangest of strangers rubbing one's belly.  😞 it's not rude by any means, it's just a punch in my large and overly ripe melonly belly. "yes. pregnant. clearly."

at nearly 39 weeks, i'm officially pregnant-er than i've ever been.
last week it was in the 90's for a few days, and i thought for sure i would sweat the kid out. it had to be 120 degrees inside my uterus! what was he thinking staying in there!? over 40 miles was logged walking in just a few days. 
i haven't progressed at all, either, which is a total bummer since my body apparently stalled at that exciting 80%/3cm thing weeks ago. i've been having lots of braxton hicks, and one night at 1am i was within 15 minutes of heading to the hospital! contractions were 8 minutes apart for an hour! just like my doctor said! i need to get in a taxi, like, now!! but then... they slowed down... and stopped. so we went to bed. speaking of my doctor, i can't stand her (again). she made me mad this week with more annoying comments, and at this point i just want this baby out when she's not on-call so i never have to see her again.
it's all a waiting game- it's really, fine. i understand that i need to wait on him & trust my body. i want this baby boy healthy and strong! it's hard hearing comments from others reiterating my impatience and implied ungratefulness for this time in my life- that sucks to hear. but this journey is still hard- every day it's hard. i'm not sleeping at all. i'm peeing constantly and still always have to pee (it's a much more annoying feeling than it seems when i write it out). i'm never comfortable. my body is in paaaain. i feel old and heavy and slow. i'm exhausted. my belly is SO HARD all the time that it hurts to do most everything. nothing fits. you know what i'm craving? high-waisted jeans. PREGNANCY CRAVING #1: JEANS! pants. pants! i remember those... 
basically, i'm still a terrible pregnant woman. a terrible pregnant woman who knows the end is in sight. and i'll have a baby boy in our arms soon- i have a hard time bonding pregnant- it's such a scary and, frankly, unbelievable process to somehow grow and expel a human that i tend to not really even absorb what is happening. imagining him- what he looks like, what his name will be- all of it isn't really real. i think it's my brain's defense mechanism since 1) i'm lousy at this, and 2) it's a lot of pressure to feel responsible for the life of a human. it's scary. and the journey is long.

he's almost here. and i'm trying to keep perspective. 

can't wait to meet you, tiniest man.


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